Well not bad jokes, but jokes that make you laugh and other folks groan. Those are the ones that tickle “me fancy”.
Click the the link below and add your 2 cents worth…
|Bad Jokes from earlier times:|
|Bad Jokes 2011 Part 1||Bad Jokes 2010||Bad Jokes 2009|
The Lie Detector Robot
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says “at school dad.”
Robot slaps the son!
“Ok, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” the son says.
“What dvd?” asks the father
Robot slaps the son again!
“Ok, it was a porno” cries the son.
“What!? When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was” says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs “HaHaHa! He’s certainly your son.”
Robot slaps the mom!
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the
US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not!
I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself…!”
After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”
Fable of the Porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their
companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close
Relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, there is a difference.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are —COMPLETELY FINISHED!
My work is done….
While creating husbands,God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then she made the earth round.
That God – She’s such a joker!
The World’s Shortest Psychiatric Joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap…
The psychiatrist says, ‘Well, I can clearly see!
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it’s Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother has a mustache.”
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk …”I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
Mother of the Bride
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, and dear…..I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”
(Now I ask you – is s there a woman out there, anywhere, who wouldn’t enjoy this story?)
On a golf tour in Newfoundland
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Mike Weir drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote town. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is…
“How’s she cuttin’ bye” (boy) says the attendant. Mike nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Mike.
“Well, what on god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the attendant.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Mike.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Newfoundlander, “Ford tinks of everyting!”
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding across the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties…
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.”
The Taliban shouted, “You Idiot! I do not need an over-Priced tie… I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice coldwater you need. Shalom.”
Shouting and cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill towards the water destination.
Several hours later he staggered back over the desert hill, almost dead, and said: “Your brother won’t let me in without a tie…..”
A man goes into a Barnes and Noble and asks the young female clerk, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can’t remember the title. ”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
The man said, “That’s the one. I’ll take a copy.”
Amazing, simple home remedies:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over slapping the snooze button.
5. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Thought for the day: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs
Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of ight.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
A Clear Answer
An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Newfoundlander replies: ”Lord thunderin’ Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the fuckin boat!”
A doctor was addressing a large audience in London.
“The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 76-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said softly: “Wedding Cake?”
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life… A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted
Now this is my type of bad joke
A clerk in the hospital went into the doctor’s lounge and stated that a patient was in the waiting room saying he was invisible. The doctor looked at the clerk and told her “tell the customer we cannot see him today. (lol)
An entertainer came to the hospital to visit and cheer up the patients. As he was leaving a patient’s room after singing for the sick one, he remarked, “I sure hope you get better.” The patient replied, “I hope you do too.”
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ….. ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew…… ‘Bastards won’t let me fart’.
D*mn Apple!….. iHurt !
It all began with an iPhone . .
In March, my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?
In July, I celebrated my birthday and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My other son’s birthday was in August so I got him an iPod Touch.
September came along so for her birthday, I got my wife an iRon. It was around about then that the fight started . . . What my wife clearly failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I am in recovery now and they tell me I should be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks…
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did… she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the doctor asked for a sperm count. (Don’t ask)
He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”
Bringing Religion to a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all met to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
“Well,” he said,“ I went into the woods to find a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me, and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just as you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!”
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, in traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it ….. circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1 800 505 3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 — Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
# 9 — Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
# 8 — Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
# 7 — Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
# 6 — Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
# 5 — Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of A distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
# 4 — Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
# 3 — Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
# 2 — Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
# 1 — Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
Chore for a lazy man
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”
19 men raised their hands, and the Sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?”
The man replied: “Too much trouble, Sarge.”
Two hunters -Stosh and Stan – got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear, and one moose.
The hunters objected strongly, saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing, and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, “Any idea where we are?”
Stan replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
Joke # 1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona”‘ The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?”
The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh,” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?”
“Sure, it’s easy,” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.”
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain.
The surgeon was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as he recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.”
The patient replied, “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada , we have two seasons… six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!”
A Quebecer staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!” yelled the Quebecer.
An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors. “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”